|Life must be simple if you're a floating candle|
Yesterday I saw my therapist again.
I went to the right door this time and rang the buzzer to get in but no one let me in and then I was too embarrassed to ring it again so I stood in the rain for 25 minutes, finally getting in when good old Liz was letting someone else out, meaning I made awkward 'you're crazy, I'm crazy' eye contact with one of her other patients. She asked if I had been standing there long, of course I said no with a big smile on my face because it would be even more embarrassing if she knew I had been stood outside too scared to ring the buzzer again, but I think the fact that I was considerably wet gave me away.
Her grand plan is to change my way of thinking. The booklets say that it is too difficult to change my way of feeling but if we change my way of thinking then hopefully the feelings will follow suit. I just felt confused.
I have a table that I have to fill in whenever I'm in a situation that I have found difficult. I write the situation in one column and then how it made me feel in another column and then what I was thinking in the final column. I have been quite cynical about these sheets, unsurprisingly, as I have to fill them in retrospectively and so can never remember exactly what I was thinking. Worst still, in the thoughts and feelings columns I have to write a % value of how much I believed the thought or felt the feeling...
I have just been writing 90% for all of them so far. I don't really understand it. I don't want to put 100% because it seems too extreme, but if I am thinking or feeling something then surely it is 100%?
It's almost comical being asked "would you say you felt worthless about 70% or higher?" and "did you think you were going to die more than 80%?"... but I guess I should go along with it.
Once I have filled these sheets in she turns them over and on the back she writes in the 'thought' and then we have to think up evidence for and against this thought, so that finally we can come to a conclusion that in reality this thought should only be believed 30%... or something like that.
She compared it to a trial and how we can only use facts as evidence, as opposed to feelings. OK, so I didn't have any evidence that the man walking behind me in the street was going to stab me, but it still could have happened!? And no I don't have any evidence that everyone in the street is thinking about how fat I look, but they could be?
She wrote in all the evidence against my crazy thoughts, and for all of them she put some type of thinking process, apparently I 'catastrophise' and have a 'mental filter' and all other sorts of negative thinking patterns. But I don't see these as facts, surely these are her opinion? Maybe my way of thinking is right and it's everyone else that has got it wrong? Maybe it's Liz that has the problem!?
The whole thing just made my head hurt and I left with even more sheets of paper and feeling very confused (97%).
My mum drove us to Ikea in an attempt to cheer me up as I am too poor to go clothes shopping but, like everyone else in the world, have enough money to buy something cheap and unnecessary from Ikea to give me that retail therapy boost.
We got hot chocolate and cake which I thought was pretty below average (79%)
But I bought these super cute, little floating candles in the Bargain Basement corner, 24 for £1 so I was happy (64%)
I think I adore them...